Tales from Ohphalia
by Viv.Z.Fiction
Summary: Collection of short stories set within the world of Missteps.


**For a Portrait**

I bobbed and weaved through the heavy market crowd. Carts full of the last vegetable harvest negotiated the same spaces as the various street vendors, each hawking different talismans or potions. The air was filled with so much yelling and odorous smells emanating from the potions and livestock around, that I had trouble getting my own thoughts in order.

Everyone was hindered and inconvenienced by the rather large Dwarven contingent that marched straight through, their covered cart, no doubt filled with their latest gem restock, snuggled in between them. They weren't being quiet about their approach either, as every guard clanked loudly in their full plate armor. Between the cacophony of the armor and the sound of their heavy iron-shod feet on the paving stones, a person would have be deaf not to hear them coming.

Ordinarily the sight of an armed Dwarven guard would bring joy to my mercantile heart, but not today. Instead of using the beautiful sunny day to break out my newest shipment of pick-axes and polearms, I'd once again been dragged into dealing with my brother's shortcomings.

Ambrose is much more suited to the life of an adventurer, but a recent injury had waylaid him and brought him home. Since he'd be been back, I'd put him to work helping me in my store 'Josiah's Fine Weapons'. Since he'd started, there'd been more accounting errors in the log books, mislabeling of products, and the occasional slips of the tongue in front of customers.

In an effort to get him away from the store, I had introduced him to a few gambling friends of mine. That is where he met Nein, a high-ranking member of the local Bladesmith's Guild. Theirs had been a passionate two-month love affair that had gone down in flames. According to Ambrose, Nein was a philanderer who didn't want to change.

I'd bitten my tongue so hard that it had bled in an effort to not to point out that he himself hadn't exactly been keeping his wandering eye under control either.

That was not Ambrose's first breakup under less than ideal conditions, and it most certainly wasn't his last. The part that concerned me though, and the reason why I went to the Bladesmith Guild that day, was for more personal reasons.

You see, Ambrose and I are twins, identical twins, and in a week's time I was due to re-negotiate my contract with the Bladesmith Guild. For many years I had been contracted with them to sell their products, earning a large commission bonus for each sale. In fact, their products were some of my best sellers. In the month's leading up to the contract renewal, Nein hadn't been subtle about his desire to reduce my commissions. Ever since he'd dropped that first hint, I'd been careful not to give him any reason that would make his wish a reality.

Not so with Ambrose. That idiot had gone and commissioned a portrait for his then lover. A nude portrait. Of himself. Meaning that Nein was in possession of a nude portrait that could easily be construed, as me.

A few years ago I would have laughed it off. A few years ago I would have shared a laugh and a drink with Nein as he framed the portrait and hung it on his wall. A few years ago I wasn't married to a woman who could wrestle a giant snake into a bow. It was through her that I'd made my Dwarven contacts, and it was only because of my faithfulness to her that I kept them.

Ambrose had only told me the previous night about the portrait. We'd been having a drink together, and I told him about the contract negotiations and Nein's feelings. That's when he dropped the blackmail bombshell. I immediately demanded that he go and get the portrait, but Ambrose refused. The brave adventurer who had no problem hunting down monsters in the wild countryside, was afraid to face to his ex. And so, once again, it was up to me to step up and protect my business.

Still cursing Ambrose in my mind, I stopped and took a look around me. The noise level had died down as I'd navigated away from the main thoroughfare, so now I could actually hear myself think. The problem was that I wasn't near the Guild. I was in the Bakery District, surrounded by the mouthwatering scent of fresh baked bread. I'd been so busy imagining how I'd get into Nein's office, which is where Ambrose said he'd last seen the portrait, that I hadn't been paying attention to how I was getting there. I'd missed a turnoff.

After turning around, backtracking, and then taking the correct turns, I soon smelled burning coal. Once I was in sight of the large double-storied building, I ducked into an alley and hid myself behind a few large crates. Crouched down, I dug into the pack that was slung over my shoulder.

Quickly, I put on the leather armor I'd taken out of my brother's gear that morning. I also affixed two of his sheathed knives to my waist, put in a small hoop earring through a hole I'd punched out last night (wincing the whole time), and tied my hair up in a messy bun that was almost his signature. Lastly, I removed my wedding band and placed it in a small leather pouch that I then tucked in under the armor on my chest.

I stashed the pack behind the crates, stood up, lightly slapped myself in the face a couple of times, and headed towards the Guild. As I walked, I was conscious of portraying my brother's limp. He was very proud of that limp and the story that went with it. I personally thought he was just hamming it up for the attention.

A couple of people were hanging out around the entrance, but they paid me no heed as I shuffled past and walked through the propped open double doors. The smell of burning coal permeated the air now, and I thought I caught the smell of burnt honey as well. In the background was the almost rhythmic sound of clashing metal and iron.

Sitting at a desk just inside the foyer, was a young woman, just barely into her twenties. Her face held that youthful glow that made her features light and soft, magnifying her natural beauty. Her desk was covered in different bunches of paper, her head bent low as she'd examine one page and would then move her blue eyes over and wrote something down in a large ledger book. Her black hair was tied back, and she had an ink smudge on her cheek.

As I attempted to walk past her, my eyes were focused on a wooden door on the far wall, a door I knew that led to a staircase upstairs where the offices were housed.

"You know you have to sign in." A feminine voice said from behind me, the sound of her quill scratching still filled the air.

I turned around, what I hoped was a wry grin fixed upon on my face.

"Can't you make a small exception? I'm not staying long, just be in and out" The girl didn't look up.

"I can't do that Ambrose, especially not after how Nein was griping about you last night." She finished writing and looked up. "What'cha need?"

I shuffled closer to her. "I left something of mine in his office after one of our….lunch dates."

"So?" She set down the quill and rested her chin on her hand. "Anything left behind a week after a breakup is forfeited." She grinned. "That's the rule."

"No it's not." I snapped, and the woman raised a surprised eyebrow. I took a deep breath, and tried to stay calm.

"Look, ordinarily I wouldn't care. I'm used to losing my personal possessions, after all I travel into dangerous situations for a living." I slipped into Ambrose's signature 'I'm bragging but I want to be subtle about it" attitude. She didn't even blink afterwards so I think I nailed it. "In this case though, it's a dagger that Josiah bought off a guy a month back. I thought it looked really cool, and I wanted to show Nein, you know appeal to his interests and hopefully shoe-in a joke about 'blades', if you get my drift."

That part was true. Ambrose had wanted to show Nein the dagger. I'd bought it off an old adventurer who'd fallen on hard times. Said he'd gotten it out of some tomb, and that he'd had to fight off a couple of friends who'd wanted it for themselves. I'd given him ten gold for it.

I'd caught Ambrose with his hand literally on the dagger after he'd picked the lock on my safe. He'd tried his best to convince me to let him take it, but no go.

I shook myself out of my thoughts just in time to hear the tail end of a question the receptionist had posed.

"-in there?"

"I'm sorry, what?"

The girl sighed and stood up, coming around the desk to stand in front of me. I really wished I could remember her name, but I was drawing a blank. The only time I'd ever met her when I was signed in for meetings here, and we'd only ever exchanged small talk. Apparently Ambrose and she had a different relationship. I think her name was Lyra.

"I was asking if you knew for sure if it was in there. With a piece like that, there's a good chance Nein might have sold it already."

"No, he knew it was my brother's. Please, if I don't get it back soon Josiah is going to kill me. I could really use your help." I reached up to scratch the back of my neck, a move I'd seen Ambrose do a thousand times. He thought it made him look all innocent and pitiful. I ended up touching my newly-pierced earlobe instead. I couldn't stop the wince, or the hiss, that came after.

Immediately Lyra reached up and turned my head so she could look at my ear. "What the hell happened?"

"Josiah heard about the dagger last night and tried to wrench out my earring." Something I had seriously been considering last night upon hearing about the portrait. "Thankfully the hoop broke first, but not without causing some damage."

"And instead of letting it heal you just went ahead and shoved another earring in?" Judging by her tone, that was not proper ear care. She sighed and pulled my brown hair, forcing my ear closer to her. She was at least a foot shorter than I, and I was only five foot six or so. She was quite strong for someone so petite. Of course, judging by the stocky arms hidden under the sleeves of her tunic, she probably spent her fair share of time in front of the forge.

I looked at her out of the corner of my eye. "Maybe you can come with me to Nein's office and show me how I should have taken care of it?" I spoke softly, testing just how far Ambrose's relationship with her went. Her cheeks reddened slightly.

"Aren't men more your deal?" Lyra asked, deliberately not looking at me, and giving my throbbing ear more attention. I saw the opening, and I went for it.

"I don't like to limit myself."

"Funny, that's not what you said last time."

I reached down and gently guided her head till our gazes met. "Last time I was in a relationship. I'm free now, so what do you say, want to doctor me up? I'm pretty sure I'm also due for a physical." This time her whole face went red. She opened her mouth a few times, but no words came out. Ha, Ambrose wasn't the only one who knew how to woo someone.

I leaned down and whispered in her ear. "Give me ten minutes to finish up my business, and then come meet me up there. You're probably due for a break soon." I let go of her chin and pulled away. For good measure I lightly tapped her nose. It was as if she'd woken up from a magic spell.

"Not Nein's office," Her voice shook a tiny bit as she took a step back. For a moment I thought I'd failed, but then she went on. "However, there should be plenty of other empty offices." She gestured vaguely towards the stacks of paper on her desk. "Give me a few minutes to get this all straightened out and I'll escort you up."

I grinned. "No need, you finish up down here, and I'll find us someplace where we won't be disturbed, doctor." Her face flushed even more as I started backing up. She didn't stop me.

I quickly walked through the door and headed up the stairs. Of course I had no intention of actually carrying out those veiled suggestions. I'm a one-woman kind of man, and that's not just because that one-woman could twist me like a pretzel.

Coming out at the top of the stairs, two hallways were presented before me. Having been here before, I immediately headed off down the hallway on the right. I didn't bother to walk with the limp anymore, I knew that most of these offices would be empty; the Town Governor had called an emergency meeting early that morning of several of the local Guilds. Ambrose and I surmised it had something to do with reports of a hostile army marching towards us from the South.

The hallway was only wide enough for two people to pass by each other, and wooden beams stretched overhead. The lowest were only a couple of inches from the top of my head. I counted the identical wooden doors, each of them emblazoned with their owner's name in iron inlays. Nein's office was the ninth on the right, but I remembered that the name on his door wasn't 'Nein'. 'Nein' was simply a nickname, as his real name is unpronounceable, but that's elves for you.

Not all of the office occupants were gone. I heard loud voices behind a couple, while the sharp clang of banging metal issued out from behind another. Behind one door was what sounded like an argument, and the name on the door was someone who I frequently did business with. I stopped and pressed my ear lightly to the door, hoping I could hear what was being said.

I was so focused on the argument, that I missed the fact that someone had come up behind me.

"Can I help you?" A gruff voice boomed in my ear. I jumped and my head slammed into the beam above.

"A bit of warning would be nice." I grumbled, turning around as I rubbed my head. "It's not polite to creep up on people like that."

"It's also not polite to listen at other people's door." The person in front of me, standing between two beams, was only a few inches taller than myself, but their frame easily dwarfed mine. His crossed, muscled arms bulged out of his sleeveless tunic. His green eyes were almost hidden under these large bushy blond eyebrows, which seemed to be the most hair he had on his head. The rest of the face was clean-shaven, and his scalp was covered in red patches of what might have been hair.

"You're right, my fault." I put my hands up and took a step back, a nervous grin on my face. I could already tell that this was someone I didn't want to tangle with. His forearms were the same size as my neck. "I'll just get going then. Good talking to you."

"What're you doing here? Nein said your 'walking around privileges' were suspended."

Great, someone else that knew Ambrose. Just how popular was this guy? Did he just go around introducing himself to everyone?

"Listen, I just came to get something that I left in Nein's office. I heard he was out today so I figured now was the perfect time. You know, trying to avoid all that post-breakup drama." I laughed. The hulking figure in front of me didn't join in. "You could come with me to the office, let me in, and then escort me out. Compromise?"

"Why don't we just skip ahead to the part where I escort you out?" He counter-offered. I looked wistfully behind me, I was only two doors away from my objective. I wondered if I had any chance of reaching the door and getting inside before this hulking figure of a man could take me down. I looked down, hoping to see little chicken legs, but was disappointed to see that his legs were just as chiseled as his arms.

"Fine." I sighed, inwardly this time as I felt the need to keep up the bravado around this man. He gestured back towards the staircase and I went, taking slow and deliberate steps. He didn't say a word, he just followed along behind me. We were a few feet away from the staircase when Lyra came bustling up.

Her face lit up when she me. Her face then fell when she saw my escort.

"Sorry Lyra, I'm going to have to reschedule our appointment." I grinned, and pointed behind me.

"What 'appointment'?" The man behind me asked, gruffly. In the mid-afternoon sun streaming through the rare window close by, the red spots on his head were lit up. That's what I'll call him. I dub thee 'Spots'.

"You think my name is Lyra?" The girl asked at the same time.

I gulped and moved to the side, so that the three of us were more or less forming a triangle.

"Did I say 'Lyra', I'm sorry." Panic was beginning to set in as not-Lyra stared daggers at me. For some reason I was suddenly more afraid of her for the moment. Thinking quickly, I turned my attention to the big man. "You caught me, I lied. I never wanted into Nein's office. I was listening at the door trying to see if was empty so that this young woman here could help me get over my breakup." I laughed, and tried to ignore how absolutely fake it sounded. I was quickly losing control of the situation. A terrible thought entered my mind. "You're not her father by any chance, are you?"

"No, and I'm pretty sure you're not Ambrose." 'Spots' cracked his knuckles. "Who are you?"

"Just someone that wanted to get his property back, I swear." It wasn't my property, but I'd worked too hard not claim it for the time being. I took a step back, and the big guy took a step forward.

"He said he was looking for a dagger that Ambrose stole from his brother." Receptionist girl supplied. "At least that's what he said." Her eyes slid from 'Spots' to me, a light shining in them. "Right, Josiah?"

Damn, the jig was up.

"Well, to be fair Ambrose never actually got the dagger." I shrugged. How the hell was I going to get out of this one? To be honest, I'd only planned as far as getting into the building. I pulled out one of the daggers at my waist and brandished it in front of me. "Just let me leave, and we'll pretend this never happened."

"Not gonna happen." Was the gruff reply from 'Spots'.

"Alright then, we fight." And I pitched the dagger towards him. It wasn't a graceful throw by any stretch, and it was more of a distraction than an attack. As soon as it left my hand, I took off down the hallway behind me.

I didn't even make it ten feet before I was body-slammed to the floor. I struggled on the floor underneath 'Spots'' very heavy body.

"Did you really think that was a good idea?" He said, his voice calm as he easily pinned me down. The weight of him on top of me reminded me of my honeymoon, and not in a good way.

"No, but I think we've already established that I'm not that fluent in them today."

'Spots' let me struggle for a few more moments. I can only imagine that I looked like a fish freshly thrown onto a boat deck. Finally he got up and hauled me up with him. I still tried to smack him, so he lifted me off my feet, with one hand.

I desperately thought back to all the fighting lessons my brother and wife had tried to teach me over the years. I've got a sharp tongue. A keen mind for business. But something I'm not is a fighter. I bruise easily.

I did learn how to do one thing.

I pulled my leg back and kicked out as hard as I could right into 'Spots' stomach. It was like I'd kicked a wall. He dropped me and I fell on my ass, hard. I'd gotten what I wanted, he'd let me go, but I hadn't thought about how far the fall would be.

I shook it off, popped right back up, and he punched me.

The pain in my now broken nose was intense. I staggered backwards and used the wall for support.

"You broke my nose!" I yelled out, cupping my nose and trying not to focus on the blood that was oozing out from between my fingers.

The big guy shrugged. "You kicked me."

"It's not like you felt it." I hissed. He took a step forward. "Stay back!"

He stopped. "Just give up and come quietly."

"Why? So you can beat on me some more?" My eyes darted around. I still had that second dagger, but did I want to try to make a play with it?

"No, so I can turn you into the Town Guard."

"That's even worse. I have a reputation to maintain you know." I straightened up, my eyes narrowed. He raised a questioning eyebrow.

"How is me beating the shit out of you worse than you getting arrested?"

"If I'm arrested then there's paper trail of my crimes. However, if you just beat me up than I just have to heal and it'll be like it never happened." I tried to sniff with my nose, but all I got was pain. "On second thought, I might just go pay for some healing."

"I'm not going to beat you up." The look on 'Spots' face was a tired one, with maybe a touch of pity. I could almost see why Ambrose took the time to introduce himself. 'Spots' took another step forward and reached out for my arm.

"And I'm not letting myself get arrested." What I did next, I'm not really proud of. It's a move that Ambrose had used on me our entire life. A move that brought me to tears more than once. I reached out my leg, and kicked him in the balls.

Immediately his face pinched up, and the arm that was about to grab me instead moved to cup himself. As he crumbled down onto his knees, I wasted no time in dashing back towards the stairs. I'd probably only bought myself a minute or two.

Lyra, or whatever her name was, was still standing by the staircase. I paid her no heed as I ran past, which was a mistake. Just as I was about to head down, she tripped me.

Head over ass I tumbled down the spiral staircase, leaving a trail of blood behind me. I barely remember hitting the bottom. I remember being in pain, my head spinning, ringing in my ears. I don't remember passing out.

When I came to, I was in a jail cell. Ambrose stood on the other side of the bars. He held up the nude portrait and spoke.

"Good news, I got Nein to sell it to me for fifty gold. I don't need you to get it for me anymore." With a giant grin on his face he gestured to my current surroundings. "So what brings you here anyway?"

7


End file.
